Viewing the absence of sex in couple relationships from the ‘core complex’ lens.

The sexual relationship is a defining feature of most intimate couple partnerships.  Consequently when sexual problems arise, couples become aware that something is amiss in the relationship and that it can no longer be ignored.  When couples experiencing problems in their sexual relationship seek treatment by approaching an agency that specialises in providing couple therapy, it is likely that the therapists will view the sexual dysfunction as evidence of emotional disturbance in the relationship as a whole.

In psychotherapeutic work with adult couples, difficulties that arise within sexual relationships are generally explored using three dominant narratives. The Attachment narrative looks at ways in which disturbed patterns of attachment to the primary caregiver in infancy might contribute to difficulties in adult sexual relating. The Oedipal narrative examines how difficulties in negotiating the ‘oedipal situation’ (Klein, 1928) is a crucial precursor to the development of a capacity to form intimate adult couple relationships. The ‘claustro-agoraphobic’ narrative, as described by Rey (1994), describes the dilemma where the individuals in close relationships feel caught between fears of engulfment and fears of abandonment (Balfour, 2005).   

This is a clinical description of adults caught in a relationship where intimacy generates feelings of claustrophobia whereas separateness and difference between the partners engenders feelings of abandonment.  Such anxieties hinder the development of satisfactory intimate adult relationships and consequently present an important area of consideration for clinicians working with couple relationship.     

In this paper I show how I have used this idea to inform my clinical work with two couples where a sexual relationship was desired by one partner but absent in the relationship.  Both couples struggled with how to maintain a sense of self without feeling consumed by the relationship. 

Sehgal, A. (2012).   Couple and Family Psychoanalysis 2(2): 149-164.